The Greatest of These is Love

It’s been a confusing week.  Welcome to Life, right?  Luckily, every day of our lives isn’t so confusing, but looking back on my decades, there were definitely weeks, months, even some years that fall into that category.  And then there’s wanting and working hard for something that means the world to you….and not getting it.  That’s when things get personal.  After about two and a half years into my graduate schooling, my adviser decided to build his business and not have students anymore.  In order to finish my PhD, I was forced to change departments and get a new adviser.  I moved into a department in chaos–the offices, labs and classrooms had been moved out of their building in order for repairs to be done.  When I met with the new professors, I asked if I should shadow their lab manager and other graduate student to learn the ropes of the new lab.  They laughed and said of each woman, “She doesn’t know anything.”  As uncomfortable as I felt at the time, I didn’t know how foreshadowing that statement was to be.  I should have turned around and run the other way.  We make choices, to the best of our abilities, and then feel obligated, committed, stuck, maybe, like we don’t have another choice, considering all the the circumstances.  Four years later, my coursework was completed, my research was almost finished, there was a new department head, my ‘new’ adviser had left, the professor I asked to help me finish said he didn’t have the time for me, my parents-in-law had both died, two of our three kids had left for college, and I was a total wreck.  Somehow, I managed to find an ally, and we tried to get that PhD to happen, but I was broken in every sense of the word.  How could this be happening?  This shouldn’t be happening.  My sense of ‘rightness’ in the world was shattered.

Beyond the confusing political week, I also had a crazy blog week.  Chris had noticed a hawk in a tree outside of our yard.  I could barely get a picture of it, but a few minutes later, it flew to the top of the cut-off spruce in the yard with a red squirrel in its talons.  

We live in a place surrounded by trees, and I assumed it was a young Cooper’s Hawk who eats mainly birds, but also hunts for chipmunks, rabbits, mice and squirrels.  Cooper’s Hawks have a large head, broad shoulders, and long, rounded tails.  The juveniles are brown with a streaked brown breast and yellow eyes.  (The pictures of the young Cooper’s had streaking all the way up to their necks without that white bib.  Oh, well, juveniles are variable.)

The young hawk looked down at this prey as he squeezed it to death with his strong talons.

Cooper’s Hawks live and hunt in the woods and are skillful fliers with short wings and long tails.  (His tail doesn’t seem as long as the other Cooper I saw.)

He was a beautiful hawk, and it was crazy that I got a picture of him with his prey!

After a minute or two, he looked around, and then flew away with the squirrel.

Yesterday, as I looked at the hawk websites again, I realized that my hawk was more likely a juvenile Red-tailed Hawk.  But Red-tails usually hunt in open land, not in tree cover.  I had assumed because of our location that it was a Cooper’s Hawk, even though his tail was shorter and he had a white bib.  Confusing.  What I thought to be true, what I assumed to be true, even with nagging evidence to the contrary, wasn’t true.  Granted, the coloring was very similar between the two—it was not a cut-and-dried decision.

Evidence.  Assumptions.  Facts.  Opinions.  Wishes and wants.  The choices we make are a large knot of all of these things.  We often see and dismiss evidence of what’s to come, yet on some level, often with our gut instinct, we absolutely know the truth.  But it’s not a cut-and-dried decision.  And then there are the things we work hard at and hold dear–the things we will fight for, the things that sustain us, the things we build our lives upon.  When those foundations are threatened, we feel attacked and justify our actions of attacking others.  It’s personal.  We wonder how this can be happening, we proclaim this should not be happening.  My sense of ‘rightness’ in the world took another hit last week, and policy wasn’t the reason.  I can certainly see both sides of the policy issues, and there is truth on both sides and lots of gray area in between.  That’s what politics is all about.  My hit came when the bully won, when fear and hateful language won.  We teach our children not to make fun of the disabled kid, not to call others names that are different from them, not to be a bully.  If we hold that standard for our children, why in heaven’s name wouldn’t we hold that basic standard for our president?  I may be idealistic, but I am no longer naive.  I know that sometimes the predator wins, that non-ethical things happen in unintentional and in deliberate ways, that many people don’t have the same standards as me, that some will ‘win’ at any cost and lay their head on the pillow at night and sleep soundly.  Last week my gut felt sick and I had trouble sleeping.  I did a lot of thinking and took in very little media. And here’s what I know:  I know that words are important.  I know that decency, understanding, and civility are cornerstones of our American values.  I know that most of our ancestors were immigrants.  I know that I love my LGBT friends and family members.  I know that all women are strong and beautiful in so, so many ways.  I know that Love, Faith, Hope, Mercy, and Goodness matter.  And I know that the greatest of these is Love.